I'm gradually working my way towards the age in which I won't have a choice anymore about whether to have children. A fair number of my friends, however, are right in the middle of the having babies years of their lives. At one point I had six friends who were all pregnant at the same time (no, they don't know each other). SIX.
The further I go on my journey thinking about adoption and what it means to me, the more I find things that trigger massive emotional reactions and overreactions to what should be minor, normal things in my life. Did those six pregnant people trigger me? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they did.
They triggered me because hearing all of the happy news about my friends' pregnancies and their growing families brought up my own sense of loss and a deep sadness. Having a baby should be a joyous moment, but in my life, my birth was surrounded by shame, secrecy, and loss. I don't know how my original mother felt when she found out she was pregnant, but given the fact that I'm adopted, its hard to imagine that she felt joy. [I picture her sometimes squinting at the double blue line on a pregnancy test and thinking, "Fuck. Now what?"] She was so not overjoyed about my birth that she had to go to another state to give birth and was so not overjoyed that she told no one that she'd had a baby. She was apparently so not overjoyed that she had a baby that she had to give that baby away to strangers.
Knowing that no one was happy or excited about me being born makes it hard to hear about other people's babies and feel genuinely happy for them. When the sixth friend told me she was pregnant, I cried. I cried for the fact that my birth was so shameful for my mother. I cried because no one gave her a beautiful baby shower when she was pregnant with me. I cried because no one congratulated her on her pregnancy. I cried because she felt like she had to give away her baby. I cried because there are no artsy photos of me as a newborn. Its just all so fucking sad sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Its not about me and why can't I get over it and what's wrong with me that I can't be happy for other people and why do I always have to ruin everything? I am happy that people are blessed with their new babies and families, but can't out run the huge sense of loss and sadness that creeps up every time I find out that someone else in my life is having a baby that won't be given away. I get compound guilt on top of the loss and sadness, feeling like a terrible and self-centered friend because all I can think about is my own sad history.
I haven't found a good way to heal or control this reaction yet, so in the meantime, I'm staying away from baby showers. I just can't make myself go. I send a gift and a card instead and make up some excuse about why I can't go. Selfish? Possibly. Essential for my health and well-being? Definitely.
These aren't triggers I ever expected to have. Every time I think that I've found everything that triggers me, there's something bigger that triggers an even deeper emotional reaction. I'm healing, I think.
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